Tequila Review: Buen Amigo Reposado

“Dude!”

“What, dude?”

“This tequila, man, it’s hella weird.”

“What’s so weird about it?”

“It tastes like … I don’t know, man, a vegetable or something. Like asparagus. But it’s also kinda sweet, like caramel.”

“Shut up, dude. It tastes like asparagus and caramel? I think I’m gonna puke. Hey, what are you doing? Why do you keep drinking it?”

“I don’t know, man, it’s not really that bad. It’s weird, but I think I’m kinda digging it. Kinda smoky. It’s interesting. Try a sip.”

“Cool glass.”

“Yeah, it came with the glass, and some sorta Bloody Mary mix or something. Try a sip.”

“Ugh! That’s disgusting! Seriously, man, I really do think I’m gonna puke now.”

“Fine. More for me. I’m digging the caramelized asparagus.”

“I need to wash that hideous taste outta my mouth. I’m gonna go finish the rest of your Chinaco.”

“You do and I’ll kill you.”

Random Top 5: Words That Don't Mean What They Sound Like They Mean

With some words, you could get an idea of what they mean just by how they sound. For example, "heinous" sounds bad and "plop" sounds gloopy. With the words below, however, if you didn't know their real meaning, you'd probably have a hard time guessing it.

5. Pulchritude

Means: Beautiful

Sounds like it means: Chronic vomiting

4. Tumescent

Means: Engorged

Sounds like it means: Sparkly

3. Felicitous

Means: Pleasant

Sounds like it means: Arrested for sexual harassment

2. Taciturn

Means: Silent

Sounds like it means: An Amish disciplinarian or a copper spittoon

1. Crepuscule

Means: Twilight

Sounds like it means: An infected wound on the anus

Vile Things

Okay, I've been meaning to promote some of the magazines and anthologies that have been kind enough to include my short stories, so I thought I'd start with one of my favorites.

Now, I don't consider myself a writer of "extreme" horror. In fact, the phrase "extreme horror" generally makes me a little sleepy. I tend to think of poorly written stories that exist only to describe goopy acts of violence.

A quick look at the table of contents for Vile Things from Comet Press will tell you this isn't that kind of extreme horror anthology. It's extreme all right (in fact, a couple of these, like "Sepsis" and "Maggots" were so gruesome I nearly lost my lunch) but these stories have, you know, actual stories. Sure, there's corpse eating and penis severing, but there's character and humor and atmosphere and all that good stuff as well.

Here's the TOC:

The Fisherman Brian Rosenberger
Fungoid Randy Chandler
Tenant’s Rights Sean Logan
Again Ramsey Campbell
Maggots Tim Curran
Going Green Stefan Pearson
Coquettrice Angel Leigh McCoy
The Fear in the Waiting C.J. Henderson
The Worm John Bruni
Sepsis Graham Masterton
What You Wish For Garry Bushell
The Devil Lives in Jersey Z.F. Kilgore
Rat King Jeffrey Thomas
The Caterpillar C. Dennis Moore
“Poor Brother Ed” or The Man Who Visited Ralph Greco, Jr.

Being an unknown among all of those great writers, I was glad to see that my story was singled out by a number of reviewers as a favorite (okay, it was also singled out once as someone's least favorite, but it was mostly positive).

Here are a few comments:

"Tenent’s Rights is just about the funniest gross-out story I have ever read. Reading this from the perspective of a short filmmaker it was a story that immediately made me think ‘I want to make the film’."

"'Tenant's Rights' by Sean Logan will have you laughing and squirming at the same time."

"Other favorites included the cheeky Tenant’s Rights by Sean Logan, in which an off-kilter, nerdy tenant gets revenge on his playboy roommate/landlord, but with disastrous results."

A slightly shorter version of this story was also featured on the great horror fiction podcast Pseudopod, where it received a ton of great feedback from the listeners. Here's a small sample:

"I laughed outloud (frightening my family) while taking all of my underwear back to the washing machine as a precaution. Horror with more than a sprinkling of humor from the silver alchmist’s mixing bowl."

"Fantastic!!!! Best Pseudopod ever!!!"

"Seriously funny and totally gross. Loved it!!"

"Sheer comedy, I laughed and laughed."

"Oh my gosh, this creeped me out, scared me, had me scratching and all of the above. I was screaming in my car, gasping and just squealing in pain."

"This story did exactly what I imagine it was intended to do: give me screaming nightmares."

And my personal favorite:

"I liked this a lot.
Well, actually i felt sick, which i guess is sort of a compliment!"

(Long Overdue) Tequila Review: Corzo Anejo

Well, look at Mr. Fancy Schmancy. Look at me with that bottle they had to get out of the locked case. Hey, it wasn't me, it was Christmas present (my relatives are enablers).

So how’s it taste? Good. Not Chinaco good, but good. Rich and spicy. More Indian spice than the roasted nutty flavor I favor, but it’s a unique and distinctive. Almost a little buttery in texture. Some carmel in there too, but in a good way. I’m not all that experienced with Anejos, but this is the second one I’ve tried that had a strong whiskey taste. I’m wondering if that’s a common characteristic among Anejos that isn’t usualy present in Resposados. Anyway, a little overpriced for the taste, but get this one for the bottle and look all classy and stuff.

What, you still exist?

Damn, no post since May? What the hell? What happened?

You want to know what happened? Coma. That's right, I was skydiving and my shoot didn't open. I fell 10,000 feet straight onto my head and I've been in a coma ever since.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Now don't you all feel bad for suggesting that I was just to lazy to post?

Anyways, I'm out of the Fresh Blood contest. I came in third. And third prize is, you're fired. The final vote is happened now, so head on over to chizine.com to vote for your favorite. And good luck to eventual winner *he says through his tears*.

I'll be back later with some more tequila reviews. Just because I was in a coma doesn't mean I wasn't drinking tequila.

Brother can you spare a vote?

Well, through devine intervention or some hanging-chad related voting mixup, it looks like I've made it into the top three in the Fresh Blood contest. Voting for this round has already started and continues through June 14. So how 'bout a vote? Come on. Come on! It's easy. Here's what you do:

1: Click here

2: Send that email

3: There is no step 3! You're done! I told you it was easy!

If you're just tuning in and would like to learn more about this exiciting contest, you can check out chizine.com.

Thanks!

Tequila Review: Cazadorez Reposado

Remember last week when I talked about how great Chinaco was? Well, the greatness of Chinaco is equal to the suckiness of Cazadorez. Man, this sucks. I mean, there are worse tequilas out there, but not 100% agave. Not at this price. It has an unpleasant smell and a sharp, harsh flavor with a heavy burn. In its favor, even though the flavor isn’t very good, it is pretty clean. It doesn’t have that thick, nasty carmel flavor of a Cuervo Gold. If you gave me a shot, I wouldn’t spit it in your face. I’m just not rushing out to buy it again. And on top the bad flavor, the bottle sucks too.

Tequila Review: Chinaco Reposado

Damn, this is good! How good? So good it makes me want go back and rewrite all my old reviews. You know all those nice things I said about all those other guys? I take ‘em all back. I didn’t have my new girlfriend, Ms. Chinaco, to compare them to. The reason I like it so much is because it tastes natural. It tastes real. I’ve described some other tequilas as tasting good but “artificially flavored.” This is the opposite of that. The taste has some familiar flavors like vanilla and perfume, but the predominate flavor is agave. (Honestly, I don’t know for sure the flavor is agave. I mean, I’ve never bitten into one of those poky things. It’s totally a guess. That said, I’m entirely sure I’m right.) So, you past tequilas: you got lucky. Next week’s tequila: you better step up. Have I been exaggerating in this review? Yes, but good tequila will do that to me. And I can’t wait until I taste something so much better than this that will get me to take back this review.

Overrated/Underrated

Underrated: English peas

They're huge and super easy to cook. Good lookin' out, English peas!

Overrated: Fava beans

Admit it, you never really thought about fava beans until you saw Silence of the Lambs, and then you wanted to cut someone's liver out so you could try them. No? Just me? Well, I finally tried them.

On the outside, they look almost exactly like English peas, but you know what's on the inside? Almost nothing. If you want a cup of fava bean, you'd better bring a 40-gallon garbage bag to the grocery store to fill up. You struggle to peel open the pod and it's like a luxury condo inside, with tiny little beans nestled on a fine fur blanket. But guess what? You're not done peeling yet. Now you have to peel each individual bean. But you have to steam them first, so you can get the skin off. Finally, you squeeze out a little bean the size of a BB covered in some gross embryonic fluid. Now do that a thousand times and you've got yourself a spoonful of food. So what did they taste like? They tasted like not worth it. The dude's liver I had with them, however, was excellent.

And don't forget to vote for me in Fresh Blood contest!

Fresh Blood Final Four FAQs!

Amazingly, I received enough votes to make it through to the next round in the Leisure/ChiZine/Rue Morgue "Fresh Blood" contest. Voting has started on the next round, so please send in a vote for me, won't you?

I'd love to, but is it hard to do?

No, it's quite easy. Just click here. That should open an email with the "To" and "Subject" lines already filled out, so just hit Send!

Wow, that is easy! But what if I find that much automation frightening and want to fill out my own email?

That's easy too. Just send an email to: freshblood@chizinepub.com

And put "Fresh Blood Vote: Breed" in the Subject line.

What if I want to vote for you a whole bunch of times?

I admire your enthusiasm, but I'm afraid you can only vote once per email address. But if you have more than one email address, knock yourself out.

What if I want see what I'm voting for first?

You can go chizine.com to read a description of the scary creatures in the top four books and see the judges tear me a new one.

That sounds fun!

I think you'll enjoy it.

But what if I don't like your entry and want to vote for one of the other books?

I'd encourage you to ask yourself, "Do I really like that other book better? Maybe I just think I do but I really like Breed better? Maybe I should just vote for Breed to be safe?"

Tequila Review: Revolucion Reposado

Wow, I haven't posted a tequila review Feb 24 with Dos Manos "The Hands of Fate" Reposado. Were are my priorities? I need to get drinking! Well, I'm back with a treat:

Revolucion Resposado

Okay, it doesn’t matter what this tequila tastes like--you need to go buy it. Why? The bottle. No, it’s not one of those tall, skinny, frosted glass numbers trying to look like some fancy French vodka with all the flavor of a tall glass of ice water. It’s a pretty straight-ahead shape, thin and wide, more like a brandy bottle. So what’s the big deal? Well, for starters it has two pistols on the label and it’s called Revolucion! How bad ass is that? What revolution are they aluding to? I have no idea, but they can count me in. Just tell me who the bad guys are and I’ll come out guns a’ blazin’. Now, I don’t like to be exclusionary, but I’ve got to say that this is a manly tequila. You ladies are welcome to drink it all you like, of course, but don’t be surprise when you grow hair on your chest. But gee whiz, you might say (‘cause I bet a punk like you talks that way), that doesn’t sound like such a big deal. Oh yeah? You just turn that bottle around. What am I going to find? I ain’t tellin’, punk. All I’m going to tell you is, it kicks a whole lot of ass. And the tequila inside’s not shabby either. It’s light, but it has a full, buttery texture and a descent kick. The predominate flavor is a pleasant vanilla, with some floral notes. Not bad at all. Viva la Revolucion!

Random Top 5: Movies I Hate Beyond Reason

5. Lost & Found

Dumb as dirt. I saw this for free on TV, but I still felt ripped off. David Spade makes my skin crawl.

4. Reality Bites

This movie bites.

3. Cast Away

The most egregious, insulting, infuriating example of product placement in movie history. And they show him surviving and getting off the island in the commercial.

2. Working Girl

Everyone else loves this movie. Everyone else is an idiot. This movie represents everything I hate about the '80s. At the end, when she got a job as a mid-level corporate shill and cheered like she just cured cancer, I wanted to vomit.

1. The Family Stone

I just saw this recently and it skyrocketed to the top of this list. If this movie had a face, I would slap it with my glove. There is too much suck to describe here. Maybe I'll write a full review later, but for now I'll just say: Worst. Movie. Ever.

The bloodletting continues!

The March round of voting for the Leisure Books/ChiZine/Rue Morgue Magazine “Fresh Blood” contest has started. Once again, this is a contest for first time novelists and the grand prize winner will have their novel published in paperback by Leisure Books and in hardcover by ChiZine Publications in 2011. And I’m in the top 5!

Last time I got a paltry 4% of the vote, and this time the writer with the lowest number will be eliminated. So please, VOTE FOR ME!!! VOTE FOR ME!!!

Sorry, that was undignified. But if you would be so kind, please do consider sending in a vote. It’s easy:

Just email here:
freshblood@chizinepub.com

And put this in the subject line:
Fresh Blood Vote: Breed

You can take a look at the cover copy for each of the top 5 novels here. Of course, you’re welcome to vote for one of the other four, if you prefer. But you wouldn’t do that to me, would you? WOULD YOU???? (Sorry, I’ve really got to get a hold of myself)

Random Top 5: Words I’ve Heard Mispronounced Lately

5. Expresso (for espresso)

4. Supposably (for supposedly)

3. Acove (for alcove)

And here’s where they start getting weird

2. Aquiknowledge (for acknowledge)

1. Sangwich (for sandwich)

It’s a weird mispronunciation. But what’s even weirder is that I heard it from two different people who don’t know each other on the same day!

The FAQs of Life

This is where I provide definitive answers to unanswerable questions.

Today's question:

Is the glass half full, or half empty?

Answer:

If you come upon a drinking glass that contains liquid to a level midway between the top and bottom, classifying this glass as "half full" or "half empty" is not a subjective matter. And despite popular opinion, it is not a test of one’s optimism. To label the status of the glass, one merely needs to identify its previous state. If the glass had been full and the liquid was removed until the level was lowered to the midpoint, then the glass is "half empty." If the glass had been empty and it was filled to the midpoint, then the glass is "half full."

You can now file this question under: ANSWERED!

Random Top 5: Words That Make Me Wish I Was British

These are words that I wish I could say, but I can't because I'm American

5. Oi!
When you say "Oi!" meaning "Hey, you!" you instantly sound like a tough soccer hooligan.

4. Cheers
Not "cheers" meaning "salute" but "cheers" meaning "thanks."

3. Sodding
I have no idea what this means. It's said like a vulgarity, but sounds like gardening.

2. Bollocks
Awesome word. Even better? "Dog's bollocks."

1. The C Word
This seems to be said casually in the UK, but I can't even write it, much less say it.

Tequila Review: Dos Manos Reposado

I’ve been seeing this one around quite a bit lately, claiming that valuable shelf space at the big grocery stores. Of course, I can think of a truckload of other brands I’d like to have easy access to rather than this one. The truth is there is some good spicy cinnamon aftertaste here, a touch of pineapple, but the initial flavor is a harsh alcohol burn that is too overwhelming. The bottle’s nothing special either, one of those squat cubes. At least give me something nice to look at while I’m cringing at that rough first punch. All that said, there are some decent flavors hiding in there and, sadly, if you’re at the supermarket and nothing’s on sale, this may actually be your best bet for the price.

I live to bleed another day!

Woo hoo! It looks like I've made it to the top five in the Leisure Books/Chizine/Rue Morgue "Fresh Blood" contest, even though the judges didn't care for my opening chapter (comments included "ARGH-FUCK-KILL!" and "I was longing for Mary to blow her brains out at the end, because I simply didn’t care about her"). Author introductions are up now on chizine.com.

The top five finalists are:

• A Fine Likeness, by Sean McLachlan
• Breed, by Sean Logan
• Disunity, by Aaron Dries
• Heart of the City, by Lisa A. Koosis
• The Sorrows, by Jonathan Janz

So that's the good news. The bad news is that I only got 4% of the popular vote, and the next round of voting determines who will be eliminated. So I'm going to need to try a bit harder to rustle up some votes. And if anyone's reading this *sound of crickets* I'd sure appreciate your support when voting opens again on March 15.

Tequila Review: Leyenda del Milagro Reposado

A very light and pleasant tequila. Many of same pros and cons as the Fox Mi Mexico, but along with the higher price comes some added complexity, with a nice layering of aftertastes, a little bit of spice, just a hint of vanilla. However, like the Fox, it lacks the depth and richness of the top shelf. But come on, what do you expect at this price? It’s absolutely worth the price tag. Plus, it looks as good as a lot of those more expensive brands. Look at that bottle--muy bonita! And if you’re trying to impress the chicks (or dudes, or whatever) this one will help.

Random Top 5: Underrated Pizza Toppings

5. Roasted potatoes
4. Gorganzola
3. Walnuts
2. Arugala salad
1. Sun-dried cranberries

In case you were wondering, yes, I am from California.